The Melancholy of Rorschach
by BobCat
Summary: One of the strangest fanfics I've ever conceived. What happens when everyone's favorite antisocial logical positivist investigates strange happenings surrounding a certain absent minded God?


The Melancholy of Rorschach

By BobCat

Introduction: This is the most cracky fic idea I've ever had. I have no explanation. I only hope it's amusing.

I don't own Watchmen, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzimiya or any of the related trademarks and such.

Note: Rorschach's opinions do NOT, repeat, do NOT reflect the opinions of the writer, prereaders or anybody not fit for a straightjacket. That means instances of misogyny, homophobia, extreme right wing thought and the like? Blame Alan Moore. It's his character. I'm just running with it.

Also, this is not a terribly accessible fic for people unfamiliar with Watchmen or Haruhi Suzimiya. In order to properly do Rorschach's style of writing, I find myself assuming that the reader knows what he knows. However, I'll be leaning more towards Haruhi specifics than the Watchmen specifics- you could probably have watched the first season without seeing Watchmen and figure out what's going on.

* * *

_Rorschach's Journal. July 3 _

_In Japan. Not normal for me. Nothing's normal anymore. _

_Not much crime. Caught man fondling girls on bullet train. Kept finger as trophy. Will probably feed to first dog I see. Locals have weak stomachs. Will need new shoes. _

_Can't forget. Not here for fun. Here on business. _

_Manhattan's been getting weird readings from area for three years. Says he doesn't have time to investigate. Weird thing, coming from a man who claims time doesn't exist. Weird from a man who can be in a million places at once. Not curious about it at all. Like he didn't want to know. Not like him. _

_Didn't say anything. After all, dead men don't talk._

_I remember Manhattan killing me. He doesn't. Noone does. Noone remembers the alien invasion. Ran into the Comedian the other day. Didn't recognize me. Didn't have my face on. But I recognized him. Remember his funeral. That's two dead men walking. Might be more. Not sure. _

_I remember 1985. I remember Nixon. I remember Armageddon. _

_They remember 1985. They remember Reagan. They remember _The Goonies_. _

_I remember waking up in an alley three years ago. I remember nothing between Manhattan looking at me and waking up. _

_Twenty years. Didn't age a day. _

_Three years. Aged three years. _

_Three years. That's how long Manhattan's had those weird readings. _

_None of it makes sense. But it makes no sense all at the same time. Must be a connection. _

_Been here three days. Looking for answers. Already sick of fish and rice. Narrowed search to one high school. Don't know the name- can't read gobbledygook. Will write more later. Found dog. _

_

* * *

  
_

_Rorschach's Journal. June 5. _

_Manhattan might have point. Time is persistent illusion. _

_Got here in July. Watched kids at school make movie. It was crap. No plot. Relied on little girl's oversized tits. Liberal masturbatory garbage. Nice effects with laser- too nice for their budget. Seemed real. Need to watch out for star of movie's laser vision. Autistic one might have powers too. Too fast to be normal. Need to check before making move. _

_I hate powers. Government was right to ban them. Makes things dangerous for normal people like me. _

_Now it's June. No one else seems to notice. _

_Found two people from the movie. Boy and girl. Watched them. Boy met girl. Girl kept changing hair style for two weeks. They didn't talk much. Thought they were just together for movie. No sign of most of movie's cast. Got close and listened. They didn't know each other until day before hair changes started. Formed club today. Called it the SOS Brigade. Don't think the SOS means anything. Japanese kids like to throw in English they don't understand. _

_Getting off topic. Doesn't make sense. How do you make a movie together, then meet for the first time later? Where did that month go? More questions than answers. Don't like it. _

_My Japanese is getting better. I picked out their names. Kyon and Haruhi. Kyon looks like bored twit. No curiosity. No drive. Just wanders through life, using up air. Will die. Then nothing. _

_Haruhi is dangerous. Declared she was after the paranormal. Didn't care about looks other classmates gave her. Knows what she wants. Reminds me of me. But not like me. Knows how to use people. She's the sort you have to watch out for- give her some followers and she'll start a cult or a revolution. Already gave club paramilitary name. Club is just starting point. Seems to be able to get away with anything. Makes her even more dangerous. Will eliminate her if she gets real power. _

_Focusing on those two. Everyone else at school seems normal. If not them, they're looking for what I'm looking for. Better chance than following smirking girl with green hair. That was a dead end. Thought Japanese only had black hair. Turns out green and blue hair common. Also, all the Japanese I see look white. Learning things on this trip. Useless things- not writing a travel book. _

_Girl said she wanted to see the weird. Time Travelers? Aliens? Nonsense. I know weird. No time travelers. Only aliens I know were Ozymandias' frauds. The real weird is different than she thinks. _

_Correction. Know one time traveler. Me. Came forward twenty years. Came back a month. No idea how or why. _

_Hate cicadas. Always buzzing. No rest. Good for me. Annoyance keeps me sharp. Peace of mind makes you fat and weak._

_Found hot dog stand. Don't think dogs are made of fish or rice. Real food will settle nerves. Will go there now. Write later, if I see anything. _

_Addendum- June 5_

_Tokyo Tower destroyed by tentacle monster. Beast was obscene. No pity for sparkling girl who fought him. Asking for it with a skirt that short. City already rebuilding the tower. Seems routine. _

_Hotdog was good. Soda was strange; tasted like too- sweet fruit. Miss Dr. Pepper. _

_

* * *

  
_

_Rorschach's Journal. June 7._

_Time moving right way again. Haruhi's cult is growing. Recognize them from the film shoot. One's the kid who looks like a stripper with a toddler's face. Named Mikuru. Seems willing to do anything her leader says. Haruhi keeps fondling her. Girl's a fascist and a lesbian. Not sure which is worse. _

_The other's a quiet type sitting in the corner, always reading or working on her own thing. Yuki, I think. Hard to tell. She doesn't talk much. Don't know why she's there. Seems like she'd rather be alone. Way she talks reminds me of Manhattan. Thinks she's above everyone else. Bitch. _

_Annoying to follow when they move around. Crawl spaces in school smaller than anticipated. Got stuck twice. _

_Haruhi has no shame. Used blackmail to steal a computer. Seems fixated on Mikuru's breasts. First used them to blackmail computer club, then paraded herself and Mikuru in bunny outfits to advertise cult. Kyon just as useless as I thought. Acted offended, but he likes it. Seems to like the weak girl. They're perfect for each other. She has no spine, he has no drive. They can go nowhere together and make useless babies that men like me will have to protect. _

_Kyon going with Yuki back to apartment. Not sure why. Might think of club as his harem? There seems to be a lot of that on the TV I've seen around here. The moral decay here is sickening. Will follow and write more later._

_

* * *

  
_

_End Chapter 1_

_To Be Continued. _


End file.
